For Your Amusement: OL’ MITCHCONNELL E-I E-I O!

“Now you listen here. You may be President of these here United States, but I ran things here before you got here and I’ll be running them after you’re gone. Just remember I’m the one that put Garland on ice, so you could appoint Gorsuch to the court when you got here.”

“So true, Mitchie Mitchie. But, what good does it do us, if the ungrateful sonofabitch votes with them crazy libbers against my total immunity. I give him a job for life and that’s the thanks I get.”

“Sorry about that one. You know, they put on those robes and they start to forget how hard it is for us to craft laws that keep white men in power without making it look like we discriminate against anyone. Even Cry-Baby Kavanaugh slips up every now and then.”

“Can’t believe RBG is able to get to him with her fairness bullshit.”

“From what I understand, he has the hots for Kagan. Or, is it Sotomayor. Never could trust those Frat boys.”

“I found a few I could trust. When I was in school at Wharton, I had a couple of them that liked to take tests for me. Taught them a little art of the deal, if you know what I mean.”

“I sure do, and that’s what I like about you. You may be down in the polls by fifteen points, but you’re a winner and you’ll find a way to come back.”

“Yeah, Sleepy Joe don’t stand a chance. See how I shifted my stance on masks this week.”

“Yeah. What’s that all about?”

“Well, I tweeted a picture of me with a mask on and said it was the patriotic thing to do. So, now when Sleepy Joe runs his ad with him wearing a mask suburban women will see how much better I look in mine and vote for me, and our base remains solid because I’m being patriotic.”

“Amazing. That sounds totally ridiculous. But, it’ll probably work.”

“Not probably, Mitchie Mitch. It’s going to work. Remember, I’m a stable genius. Did I tell you about my cognitive ability test?”

“Yes, I know. Person, woman, man, camera, TV.”

“And I got extra points for having them in order.”

“I know. It amazes me how you’re able to recall those five words but can’t remember what you said to your lawyer.”

“You mean that loser, Michael Cohen. Can’t believe that lefty judge let him out again. We gotta stop these lefty judges. You’ve got everybody standing by in case RBG kicks it?”

“For the most part, sir.”

“Can’t believe she pulled through again. She just seems to hang on to torment me.”

“I think you may be right about that, sir.”

“So, who’s not falling in line, Mitchie?”

“The usual, sir.”

“That’s only three. They need four to stop us.”

“Maybe, Toomey, sir.”

“I know Pat can be a problem, but my sources tell me he’s still flying the Trump 2020 flag I gave him outside his home in PA.”

“That’s better than what I hear from Palin.”

“What she say, Mitchie?”

“She says some of Lisa’s neighbors put up Bye-Don signs on her property and she didn’t take them down. Claims she thought they were just being friendly Alaskans.”

“Murkowski is as bad as Collins used to be.”

“And she doesn’t have to worry about re-election this time around.”

“But you do. Don’t you, Mitchie Mitch.”

“She’s not going to be a problem.”

“But she was a soldier. A marine pilot, right?”

“That’s right. She likes to flaunt her wings, all right. But what she doesn’t know was that as a kid I used to catch butterflies in my net, and I’d pull their wings off and watch them squirm on the ground. That’s what I’m going to do to her, sir.”

“That’s what I like about you, Mitchie Mitch. We may not always agree, but when push comes to shove there ain’t no bar too low you won’t crawl under it.”

“Thank you, sir. It’s nice to be appreciated.”

Any similarity to reality is purely coincidental. All characters are fictitious creations of the author. Special thanks to DonKeyHotey for drawing an image nearly identical to the one used here.