For Your Amusement: THE MELLIE AND MIKEY SHOW–STARRING DJT

Mellie: Listen Mikey, I’ve been around a lot longer than you and if there’s ever a question of who is more loyal, just remember I have been faithful through porn stars, playmates and piss parties.

Mikey: I’m not questioning your loyalty. I just thought your speech could have had a little more punch.

Mellie: Punch? I thought that was your job. I thought I was supposed to appeal to women in the suburbs.

Mikey: Yeah. About that. What’s with the accent? Haven’t you been here like twenty years? How come you don’t sound more like Heidi Klum?

Mellie: I don’t know what you mean. DJT loves my accent. He says it’s exotic.

Mikey: I think the word he used was “erotic.”

Mellie: What would you know? You think an unbuttoned collar is erotic.

Mikey: Well at least I don’t hang around with a bunch of swishes. I saw how you laugh at the foul jokes of your light in the loafers friends from your runway days.

Mellie: What is this light in the loafers? None of my friends are loafers. They all work very hard.

Mikey: Oh, I’m sure they do. Trying to pass themselves off as women, so they can sneak in their bathrooms. We took care of those perverts in Indiana.

Mellie: Gay isn’t the same as trans.

Mikey: Gay, Lez, Bi, Trans. They’re all Queer, if you ask me.

Mellie: Well, I didn’t ask you.

DJT: Ask him what?

Mikey: Oh, hi there, boss.

DJT: Don’t call me that.

Mikey: Oh, sorry, Mr. President.

DJT: No, no. Not that either. (Pause) Try, Your Excellency.

Mikey: Your Excellency?

DJT: But less of a question and more of a statement. You know, like when there’s one of those exciting marks at the end of a sentence.

Mikey: An exclamation point?

DJT: Yeah. One of those. Go ahead. Try it, again.

Mikey: Your Excellency!

DJT: Yes. That’s it. (turns to Mellie) Your turn.

Mellie: Your Excellency!

DJT: Yes. That’s much better than authentic. I hate that word. Excellency sounds like excellent. That’s the word you should have used. Or one of my other words, like incredible or great. How’d you come up with authentic anyway?

Mellie: One of the speech writers you had me work with?

DJT: Really, which one? (Mellie starts to answer) Never mind. Whoever it is will think it was a great word. When I ask who wrote it he’ll expose himself. Then, I’ll fire him. (He smiles.) That feels good just thinking about it. So, what were you talking about?

Mikey: About how we’re going to kick the crap out of Joe.

DJT: That’s the thing about you, Mikey. You’re too uptight. You can’t hold back, because then it sounds like shit.

Mellie: (laughs and points at DJT) Crap sounds like shit. That’s good. You’re not usually that funny.

DJT: A lot funnier than that Baldwin guy on Saturday Night Live. Did you see how their ratings went down after he showed up.

Mikey: Oh, yes, sir. I mean, Your Excellency. He’s not funny at all.

DJT: You know what else isn’t funny? The NBA. They stop playing to protest that black dude being shot in Wisconsin. They’re going to ruin sports. Their ratings have fallen, too.

Mikey: Yes. Your Excellency!

DJT: And Nascar, too. They listened to whiney black guy, Bubba, and took down the Confederate flag. What a mistake. They took a real hit in the ratings, too.

Mikey: Actually–

DJT: Actually! Did you say, “Actually?” Have you been fact checking, again? What did I tell you about fact checking? It’s a socialist conspiracy. Don’t be fooled. When in doubt, just come up with some alternative facts.

Mikey: Yes, Your Excellency!

DJT: That’s more like it, Mikey. I like the way that sounds. That Mr. President stuff was getting old. They called that black dude that before I got here. Yes. I am the excellent Excellency. Well, you’ll excuse me now, because I have to go make up some shit for tonight’s speech. See you on the South Lawn.

Any similarity to reality is purely coincidental. All characters are fictitious creations of the author. Special thanks to Matson for drawing an image nearly identical to the one used here.